Wednesday, January 24, 2007

i know why i'm so emotionless now. it's my anger. when i was young, i used to get mad a lot. and i expressed it like anyone else would at the age, by hitting something, throwing books on the table extra hard, mashing my toes against each other and clenching my fists. by yelling, giving dirty looks, shit like that. but whenever i expressed my anger, my mom would fucking freak. she'd either hit me or ground me, or send me to the room to get hit by my dad. my dad hit me hard enough once that my mom had to put medication on my thigh. it wasn't really that he hit me so hard; i know lots of people get hit like that too. it was that he locked me in the room, chased me around until he cornered me, and hit me with that thing you use to put your shoes on. the whole time i was pleading with him, crying, like torture scenes where the victim pleads with the merciless bastard inflicting pain on him. if that happened now, i would've stood still and stared my dad in the eyes when he hit my, but i was only 6 that time. yeah yeah, i know i'm emo.

the point is, i got punished whenever i showed anger. so i stopped showing it. i learned to bottle it up, getting inspiration from characters i'd read about who didn't show any emotion at all. so whenever i feel anger, this is what i do. i force my face not to show anything, and i try to feel the emotion coursing through my body. if you try, you can feel it coming from the middle of your chest going to your fingertips. after the waves subside, i feel slightly nauseous, and i try to stop gagging. and after that, no more anger; it's been bottled up. i know it's bottled up and not gone because just now, i was staring at myself in the mirror, trying to see if there's really something wrong with my eyes, and i had a spasm of anger. my hand curled into a fist and flashed out, hitting the cabinet hard enough to bruise my knuckles. i didn't do it consciously, it just happened. the good thing about anger is, when you're still angry, you can punch a concrete wall until your knuckles start to bleed, and you won't feel a thing. the only way i could vent my anger was to have violent fantasies. when i create those scenes in my head, and imagine my antagonists coming to a brutal, bloody, extremely painful end, my heart beats faster and i feel better, because some of my anger has been siphoned off. i'm like a sociopath, exhibiting sadism at an early age.

well, that's me trying to be a psychologist. assuming that traumatic experiences during childhood affect my present demeanor. looking at myself, i see that i dramatize some of my experiences, probably a sign that inwardly, i'm an attention-seeking emo kid. i try not to think much of it though. and, maybe in college i'll learn from pshrink class that writing angry, depressing, fucking emo posts and using obscenities vents some of my anger.

another day, another depressing and emo post. my mood fluctuates. i'm not really very happy all the time, and i'm not really depressed all the time, just somewhere in the middle. i'm like a girl in the middle of her period, really. extremely moody. the environment i'm in doesn't fucking help. my sister cries every day. she screams sorry to my mom every 5 minutes while doing her homework. my mom tortures her mentally, in a way. when my sister is pushed to her limit and starts to scream, my mom just clams up and looks away, while my sister tries desperately to try and please her to make her talk to her. it never works. i think my sister is starting to be emo. i wouldn't blame her.

anyway, enough of this emo shit. i feel better now. i think i can even manage a sarcastic smile now, if i tried.

8:18 PM N