Friday, January 19, 2007

my room depresses me.

it could be a ward in a hospital for all it's worth. white walls, 10 by 10, almost like a luxury prison cell. 2 shelves, a cabinet and 2 containers full of things that aren't mine. a sad little warcraft 3 poster on my wall. used to have a nikolai khabibulin poster, but i had to take it down. apparently my wall doesn't like posters; they all peel off after a while. i'll upload a picture to show you how depressing it is.

my house depresses me. at the risk of sounding emo, many things depress me. the sound of cars driving by on the freeway. whenever i was in america living at my friend's place, it was very quiet. the cars remind me where i'm living now. somehow, the light playing across the ceiling whenever i take a nap in the afternoon depresses me. if i had a pshrink, he'd probably tell me that they trigger unpleasant memories, of which i have many.

anyway. today was confusing. i took a nap at 5, woke up at 6.40. i had no idea what the time was, i felt screwed up, i didn't know what day it was. it took me a while to wake up.

my sister irritates me beyond anyone else i know. maybe she's having her periods early. she's so nice, adorable to other people. at home, she's different. i think she watches too many shirley temple movies, so she tries to act like shirley temple. my sister happens to be twice the age of shirley temple when she made the movies, so for me, looking at her is like looking at a case of arrested development. anyway, it's not good to bitch about family members online, even if they'll never see it.

i have flag day tomorrow. people never donate to me. i've been told that i look unfriendly, cold. that my eyes look like there's nothing behind them, that they look soulless. maybe that's the reason. oh well, if i want to get my cip hours, i'll just have to put on a facade.

8:57 PM N